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Happy 2nd Birthday to Circ

25/11/2016

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On 25th November 2014, we launched the ten-way collaborative novel Circ.

In honour of this very unique novel reaching two years of age, here is a self-inflicted interview.

​What is Circ?

Circ was the result of the Ten To One novel project, in which ten authors wrote a novel together, seeking the approval of a judging panel and a public vote to keep their character in the story. Essentially, it was The X-Factor for writers.

What is Circ about?

Circ is a thriller set in Skegness. It follows the lives of ten very different characters, who all cross paths with Razvan Popescu, an old man who keeps himself to himself. Few know the man and even fewer know his past, which he has tried to leave behind in the Romanian woods...

Which ten writers took part?

Myself, Maria Mankin, Yasmin Ali, Jason Holloway, Livia Akstein Vioto, Luke Beddow, Danielle Rose Bentley, William Thirsk-Gaskill, Sue Barsby and Giselle Thompson.

Where are the writers from?

Seven are based in different parts of the UK, whilst Maria and Jason live in the US, and Livia lives in Brazil. It was therefore an international collaboration made possible by the wonders of email and Dropbox.

Which of the ten authors/characters survived until the end?

I am happy to say that my character, Mungo the Clown, was voted winner of the Ten To One project. The reward was being asked to write the final chapter of Circ, which allowed me to bring Mungo's story to its full conclusion.

Who is Mungo the Clown?

Mungo the Clown is a drunk who spends his days on a bench on the Skegness pier. He is lazy, grumpy and sad, although the locals think he is being ironic so they donate enough coins to finance his diet of fried fish and candy floss.

Mungo had an unhappy childhood, which fuels his hatred of the Punch and Judy Show performed on the pier. His only happy memories are from the circus before it burnt down. He prefers his own company, "a circus of one", but he gets dragged into the lives of others as the novel unfolds.

Does Circ work as a novel?

Absolutely. We all agreed to write in closely-written third person like A Game of Thrones. Meanwhile, the leader of the project, author Iain Grant, kept an eye on continuity. Iain was effectively the "director" and gave us brief synopses each month to guide our writing. This ensured a coherent story.

What was the hardest part?

There were nine rounds of voting, which meant I had to pester my Facebook friends every month for nine months to keep me in the competition. I blasted my news feed with constant pleas, which helped me get votes, albeit begrudgingly. I definitely lost a few friends in that time.

What was the easiest part?

I loved my character Mungo. I planned his entire back story and overall arc, so there was no greater motivation to stay in the competition than the opportunity to see his story told in full. This spurred me on and helped me write to the best of my ability.

Did the competition get heated between the writers?

Honestly, no. We were all very supportive of each other. Another motivating factor was seeing pieces of great writing appear in Dropbox each day. Instead of making me competitive, it made me want to produce good writing myself so I would not let the team down.

How was the launch?

The Circ book launch was a high profile event at the Library of Birmingham. Eight of the ten writers managed to attend the launch, including Jason who flew over from the US. We showed Jason the many sights of Birmingham, including our magnificent Library, Bacchus Bar, Old Joint Stock and our enormous Frankfurt Christmas Market. I also introduced Jason to Nando's for which he will ever be thankful.

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The 50 "Best" Christmas Cracker Jokes

21/11/2016

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Picture the scene. Christmas Day dinner. Everyone has just pulled their crackers. Out fall the little slips of white paper. And so begins the terrible joke-telling.

In honour of Festive Treats, our FREE anthology of Christmas stories for Kindle, here are all the terrible Christmas cracker jokes in advance. I hope this helps soften the blow.

Deep breath. Here we go...


​Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Claustrophobia!

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Q. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
A. Your teeth.

Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q. What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A. Mistle-toad.
 
Q. What do you call a three legged donkey?
A. Wonky donkey.

Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow business like show business.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing.

Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom.
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that.

Q. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
A. Twerky!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who? 
Arthur any mince pies left?

Q. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A. Because he had a low "elf" esteem.

Q. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A. He got 25 days.

Q. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?  
A. A Holly Davidson.

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?  
A. A Christmas quacker.

Q. What did Santa say to the smoker? 
A. Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf.

Q. Did Rudolph go to school?
A. No. He was Elf-taught.

Q. Why did the turkey join the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep pan, crisp and even.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy.

Q. What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.

Q. How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
A. 25. There’s "no EL".

Q. What carol is heard in the desert?
A. O camel ye faithful.

Q. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
A. Cross mouse cards.

Q. What athlete is warmest in winter?  
A. A long jumper.

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsilitis.

Q. What's the most popular Christmas wine?
A. 'I don't like Brussels sprouts.'

Q. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
A. Nice gnawing you.

Q. Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
A. They keep losing their needles.

Q. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
A. Jingle Smells.

Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q. What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A. Mistle-toad.

Q. Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
A. Noël Coward.

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.

Q. How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
A. He has Santa claws.

Q. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places.

Q. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A. Because they were two deer.

Q. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
A. The One Show.

Q. What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
A. He pulled a cracker.

Q. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
A. Because he has private elf care.

Q. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A. They had a weigh in a manger.

Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered.

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Listen to The Queen of Hearts

8/11/2016

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It's been six weeks since my story The Queen of Hearts was performed on Brum Radio.

The performance was part of the Tall Tales series, which selects short stories to be read by professional actors. Despite only being in its second year, the Tall Tales episodes have amassed a huge following, whilst Brum Radio itself has reached over half a million listens on MixCloud. 

The Queen of Hearts is one of my favourite stories, appearing first in my Breadcrumbs collection. It tells the story of a knife-thrower and his encounter with a fair maiden in need of help. Hearing it read aloud on the radio by actor Nick Charlesworth was definitely a highlight of my writing career so far.

You can hear my story on MixCloud. Be sure to listen to some of the others too!

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How To Win A Christmas Pub Quiz...

6/11/2016

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Can we talk about Christmas now?

Bonfire Night is done, so it’s time to get ready for garish jumpers, too much chocolate and the John Lewis Christmas advert.

In honour of Festive Treats, our FREE anthology of Christmas stories for Kindle, here is everything you need to know to win a festive pub quiz this Christmas!

​ 
Q. What is the chemical formula for snow?
A. H2O – snow is water.
 
Q. What date is St Stephen’s Day?
A. 26 December – Boxing Day.
 
Q. The Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square is traditionally given by which country?
​A. Norway – this is referenced in my Festive Treats story, A Partridge In A Tree, only I relocated the tree to Victoria Square in Birmingham.
 
Q. How many ghosts visit Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ novel A Christmas Carol?
A. Four – never three. Everyone always forgets Jacob Marley.
 
Q. The song White Christmas was first performed in which 1942 film?
A. Holiday Inn – no, I haven’t seen it either.
 
Q. Name the original eight reindeer from ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.
A. Comet, Cupid, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen – Dunder and Blixem are also acceptable answers due to different versions of the poem. The latter two mean thunder and lightning in German.
 
Q. What colour are the berries on the mistletoe plant?
A. White.
 
Q. What is the name of George Bailey’s guardian angel in the film It’s A Wonderful Life?
A. Clarence.
 
Q. What are the names of the Three Wise Men?
A. Balthasar, Melchior and Caspar.
 
Q. What Christmas item was invented by London baker and wedding-cake specialist Tom Smith in 1847? 
A. The Christmas cracker.
 
Q. How many points does a snowflake have?
A. Six.
 
Q. In which modern day country is St Nicholas’ birthplace and hometown?
A. Turkey – this is not why we eat turkey on Christmas Day.
 
Q. Who is officially credited the author of Auld Lang Syne?
A. Robert Burns.
 
Q. In the song, The Twelve Days of Christmas, the singer’s true love brings nine of what?
A. Ladies dancing.

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October 2016: The Calm Before...

1/11/2016

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Writing is definitely something that ebbs and flows. You have good months and bad months. October was very much Stoptober for me. I barely wrote a thing. I blame the lack of Rio-fuelled athleticism which kept me inspired throughout August and September!

Next month is NaNoWriMo, so I can excuse October as the calm before the storm. But I did get up to a few writing activities...

1. Book To The Future - The University of Birmingham hosted the fourth annual Book To The Future festival earlier in the month, which celebrates the spoken and written word. Myself and Katharine D'Souza delivered a talk about self-publishing for the third year running. It was attended by lots of inquisitive aspiring writers.

BTTF will always have a soft spot in my heart. Back in 2013, I attended Katharine's talk and it inspired me to write my first novel. Six months later I published The Sheriff and twelve months later I was Katharine's co-presenter! Check it out next year.

2. Birthdays - Two of my books celebrated their birthdays this month. It is two years since I published Breadcrumbs and one year since I published The Curse of Besti Bori. I honoured the occasion with two self-inflicted interviews, which you can read by visiting the links above.

3. Editing - I also revisited both books with the intention of stamping out any spelling mistakes before their anniversaries. I found quite a few spelling mistakes (oops) but it was a cathartic process. The improved versions will be published very soon.

4. Forgotten - I also wrote a short story for the Birmingham Writers' Group Winter Competition. The challenge is to write 1500 words around the theme of 'forgotten'. Regardless of whether I win, it will make a nice addition to my new short story collection.

So that was October. Here comes November. Bring on the storm!

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