Picture the scene. Christmas Day dinner. Everyone has just pulled their crackers. Out fall the little slips of white paper. And so begins the terrible joke-telling.
In honour of Festive Treats, our FREE anthology of Christmas stories for Kindle, here are all the terrible Christmas cracker jokes in advance. I hope this helps soften the blow.
Deep breath. Here we go...
Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Claustrophobia!
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Q. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
A. Your teeth.
Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Q. What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A. Mistle-toad.
Q. What do you call a three legged donkey?
A. Wonky donkey.
Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow business like show business.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing.
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom.
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that.
Q. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
A. Twerky!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
Q. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A. Because he had a low "elf" esteem.
Q. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A. He got 25 days.
Q. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A. A Holly Davidson.
Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A. A Christmas quacker.
Q. What did Santa say to the smoker?
A. Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf.
Q. Did Rudolph go to school?
A. No. He was Elf-taught.
Q. Why did the turkey join the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.
Q. What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep pan, crisp and even.
Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy.
Q. What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.
Q. How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
A. 25. There’s "no EL".
Q. What carol is heard in the desert?
A. O camel ye faithful.
Q. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
A. Cross mouse cards.
Q. What athlete is warmest in winter?
A. A long jumper.
Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsilitis.
Q. What's the most popular Christmas wine?
A. 'I don't like Brussels sprouts.'
Q. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
A. Nice gnawing you.
Q. Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
A. They keep losing their needles.
Q. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
A. Jingle Smells.
Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Q. What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A. Mistle-toad.
Q. Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
A. Noël Coward.
Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.
Q. How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
A. He has Santa claws.
Q. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places.
Q. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A. Because they were two deer.
Q. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
A. The One Show.
Q. What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
A. He pulled a cracker.
Q. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
A. Because he has private elf care.
Q. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A. They had a weigh in a manger.
Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered.
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